The Curse and the Blessing

It isn’t often the exact same occurrence has the ability to provide first a curse, then several days later, a blessing.  Oddly enough, in my bipolar world, this occurrence just happened in the matter of a just over a week.  Last Thursday and Friday, I involved myself in conversation I should have simply “let go”.  But instead, I let my own desires be made known to the point it left me worked up mentally.  Add to this the fact it was full moon, and you have the perfect storm in my brain to create a sleepless night. . . to me a curse, as repeated sleepless nights, or ones with very little sleep generally set a bipolar cycle in motion.

By Sunday the sleepless nights were getting worse, and my behavior was quickly transcending into what we call a depression cycle.  We had been cycle free for 7 years up until last April when COVID-19 made it’s way through our house putting my husband in the hospital for 6 days, and myself into a month long depression.  Add to this the fact he recently had an issue with A-Fib in his heart, and we had a lot of the number 2 precursor to my bipolar down cycles. . .stress.  

Needless to say, we have not had a fun week.  A call to my doctor got us some sleeping pills to help, but at best I got sketchy sleep, with only 3-4 hour stretches.  Last night I was to increase the dose to two pills if I felt one wasn’t doing the job.  

Late afternoon my mood started getting a bit better, and by bedtime I was ready for a restful sleep after taking the two pills.  It wasn’t long before I realized the two pills were doing absolutely nothing to put me to sleep indicating the bipolar pendulum was changing from depression to the high side.

And so, once again, came a sleepless night, this time a blessing given to me by God saying “this cycle is over”.  I’m not sure if this is what happens for all people who deal with bipolar, but it is something that repeats itself with every cycle I go through.

Once I realized sleep was going to evade me all night, I pulled out a stack of CD’s I keep handy for these long nights.  It’s interesting how the music is of no help on the “going down” side of things, but on the “coming up” it provides blessing upon blessing as I listen to quiet music by some favorite musicians, some instrumental, and some with comforting words.

Thank you to my family and friends for putting up with the challenges of the “me” that comes from the first curse of “sleepless nights” and for the prayers that have once again brought me through the sleepless night we see as a blessing.  Through it all, God is faithful, and for that, we give Him praise.